Your Guide To Avoiding Drugstore Embarrassment

All of us must make the occasional drugstore purchase of an embarrassing item. To avoid this, maintain your confidence in the face of derision, always have a snappy retort ready, and steer clear of any product that has the word "anus" as part of its name. Don't let those Walgreen's employees rattle you. You're better than them, unless you work at Rite-Aid. Here are some example situations, to give you a feel for the right attitude to maintain.

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CLERK: That's a big tube of anti-fungal cream you've got there. Bad case of athlete's foot?

ME: I'll have you know, this stuff also works on jock itch and ringworm, jackass.

* * *

CLERK: Can we get a price check on these Joe Lube camouflage condoms?

MY GRANDMOTHER: Sean, what are you buying?

ME: Just supporting the troops, Grandma.

MY GRANDMOTHER: Oh, alright.

CLERK: I think this eight-ounce bottle of Astroglide is also on sale.

MY GRANDMOTHER:

ME: The lube is made by Iraqi orphans, Grandma.

* * *

MANAGER: We ask that customers not sample our items in the store.

ME: Don't worry, I'm totally gonna buy this deodorant.

MANAGER: (Pause) Why aren't you wearing pants?

ME: Your sign only mentions a shirt and shoes.

* * *

MY SEEMINGLY PLATONIC FEMALE FRIEND: I'm glad this drugstore is still open. Do you think they have Ben and Jerry's?

ME: I'm sure they do.

MY SEEMINGLY PLATONIC FEMALE FRIEND: Great. Some Cherry Garcia will be perfect for when we're watching "When Harry Met Sally".

CLERK: That'll be $9.68. Also, Sean has a big crush on you.

ME: As a friend! I hate this store!