Dustin's parents have llamas. Two of them, named Victoria and Junior. Real, honest-to-goodness, native-to-the-Andes llamas, living in the backyard of a house in Martinez, California.

They got the llamas because of the goats. Dustin's parents also have goats, named Annie and Barbara. The goats have great names because you can pronounce them like you yourself are a goat. I wonder if the llamas are jealous of the goats' clever names.

The goats maintain Dustin's parents' property. They eat grass and dry brush around the big backyard. I have always heard that goats will eat anything, so the grass and dry brush is probably the least of it. I have also always wanted to feed them trash, like tin cans and old shoes, just to see if they would eat it, but I fear what might result if I overestimated their gastronomic capabilities. You can also grab the goats' horns and wrestle with them, which they seem to like. They don't seem to have any desire to butt people.

Dustin had just gotten used to the goats. It was pretty strange to have them at his house, but he had grown to accept it, embrace the eccentric wonder of being a goat owner. But he might have a little more trouble getting acclimated to an animal that, as far as I know, isn't even indigenous to this continent. I think they also spit a lot more than the goats do.

There's a "Sesame Street" episode where a girl takes her pet llama to the dentist to get its teeth cleaned, which I still consider one of the most fascinating and terrifying things I've ever seen on television. Those teeth! Those lips! The inevitable "llama/pajama" rhyme!

Dustin's parents got the llamas to protect the goats. I don't know if llamas are particularly fierce, but they are probably a little tougher than goats. Bigger, if nothing else. Still, I would think lllamas wouldn't really be contenders in any kind of an animal kingdom Tough Man-style contest. Which begs the question: What are Dustin's parents going to do to protect the llamas?

SCENE: DUSTIN'S HOUSE
YEAR: 2009

Dustin: Thanks for coming over, Sean. Did you graduate yet?
Sean: Just got a few more classes to go.
Dustin: Yeah, me too. Anyway, have you seen what my parents just got?
Sean: No, what is it?
Dustin: It's a giant.
Sean: A giant?
Dustin: Yeah, a giant. They got him from Narnia.
Sean: Um, why a giant?
Dustin: They got it to protect the blue whale, which is guarding the elephants, which guards the llamas, which are guarding the goats.
Sean: That's a lot of pets, Dustin.
Dustin: Also, the goats guard a family of kittens, which protect a bunch of mice, which guard some spiders, which are watching over an ant colony.
Sean: An ant colony?
Dustin: It's protecting a small petri dish full of protozoa. The ants have been given my room.
Sean: And have all these animals seeen you naked, Dustin?
Dustin: Yes.

Goddamn I am excited about meeting these goddamn llamas, goddamn it.